61 Steps...

...that's how many steps at the back entrance to my office building.

I started a weight loss journey in November 2007. Among my goals is a raised level of fitness, mobility, energy, and agility. Those 61 steps have kicked my butt far too long!

I'm proud to say that, as of Monday, May 12, I've lost 66 pounds and I'm feeling TERRIFIC! I'm still a little winded at the top of those stairs, but nothing like the wheezing wreck I used to be. More importantly, I no longer avoid them. I used to go around the world to not have to climb those stairs and I avoided hills when walking with the same determination. No more...now I look at a hill in my walking route and think, "Cool!" It's actually fun to climb. I feel strong and proud of myself.

Weight Watchers has been the best thing I've ever done for myself and my health. Still, after six months, it's getting harder to stay focused. The program works and I'm not on a diet. I'm learning to live differently. The realization that this is my life now and not some temporary inconvenience that will go away when the weight goes away has been an emotional thing for me. It's like the nurse educator here told me recently in a candid conversation about weight loss and health. She said, "You know now; and once you know, you can't un-know. You'll never be able to just eat with reckless abandon again. You might do it, but the knowledge of what you're doing to your body will be there, and it changes you."

She's right. I can't go back. For me, that's a loss. I miss being on a road trip with my husband and stopping at our favorite buffet. I miss picking up a bucket of chicken and going to the lake. I miss random junk food. And I can hear you out there..."You said it was your life, not a diet. That means you can have those things, just in moderation." I hear you and I concur and I actually do have some of those things from time to time. I think the loss I'm really grieving is the one my nurse friend talked about. I miss the ability to do something bad for me without feeling guilty and conflicted about it. I miss being able to enjoy all the wonderful foods my friends prepare for feast after ritual without having to think about how much fat or fiber or how many calories.

Portion control is not a natural state for me. I'm not someone who naturally selects smaller portions of richer foods because that's all I want. I want more! If one is good, two is better, and what the hell, have three! I'm learning (still, after six months) to listen to my body and respond to signals of being satisfied, but they've been shushed for so long I think they're a little afraid to speak up. And the funny thing is...I have NO idea how that came to be. Well...that's not entirely true. I have some ideas...theories, really...but I've not decided yet if any of them really hold water.

Maybe that's a post for another time. In the meantime, I had a nice lunch and it's time to get back to work. Thanks for listening...more to come.